I grew up in a family of Christian pedophiles, southern racists, rapists, drug dealers, addicts, criminals, con artists, murderers, and prostitutes, who were all mentally fucking warped in the "I'm going to dabble in the perverse darkness" kind of way. But when you are a BE-ing who chose to incarnate to enlighten humanity with the hard truths, you choose the experience that will provide the best education. While I would have changed a few things, looking back in hindsight, the knowledge I gained in this cycle is irreplaceable. 

After working 30 years in the adult entertainment industry carrying on the "family traditions" I knew that I had experienced most of the things things that get hidden in society. Things that are traditionally hidden because they are illegal and looked down upon by polite society. Absolutely immoral in some of the most profane ways, sometimes. Yet many of these things I have experienced I think are illegal only because people fear unleashing their inner beast. The truth of themselves scares them, so they hide it within. I learned how to enjoy my inner beast and had to simply hold on for the ride when she took control. 

What I also learned was that talking about these subjects with people who haven't actually lived through them wasn't very helpful. Most of the time it hurts the people who listen to our stories and we don't want to hurt people when we talk about our lives, we want to be heard and understood. We do not want our friends looking at us with veiled horror as they try to rationalize what it must have been like to get raped by a family member while our parent was off pretending to be asleep in the bedroom. Or to be judged because at age 12 years old we were dating an 18 year old with permission from our parents to have sex freely. We want to end our self imposed silence with people who have shared our experiences and who are supportive of our emotional needs when we desire to share our stories.

My family kept the tradition of silence until I broke that tradition. 

Maybe it's time for you to break the silence too. 

Growing up in a family where there were few rules meant becoming an adult who had no self discipline. So like everyone who lacks self discipline gets to do, I had to learn the hard way. I chose to learn the hard way. The OMFG HARD Way. It also meant that I wasn't afraid of living life to its fullest and trying everything taboo possible without crossing my personal boundaries or hurting others. If I was going to help translate the negative and positive aspects of these experiences to the inquisitive collective society, I had to endure the trauma from these things myself as well as enjoy the pleasures. I knew it wouldn't be easy being a translator of things Heavenly & Hellish, but this soul career isn't for BE-ings seeking the easy path.

I wasn't simply a forced participant in childhood horror, I am a healer and genius who studied every facet of the horror, taboos, sex, drugs, violence, all of it - so I could understand it and learn what I liked and what I didn't like. My parents were monsters and that meant that I too was a monster. But I was not going to do the horrible things they did, oh no. I spent my life learning how to be a monster that didn't harm others.

I chose self sacrifice. I chose adult only pleasure. I chose knowledge with self restrictions. I chose to get the fuck out of my parents grasp young and teach myself how to live my best monster life. Yet on the earthly plane we live in an induced state of memory loss and there are those who take full advantage of this blindness. Our options in life present in limitation and I like everyone else, had to ride out many storms.

Instead of letting the circumstances that I was born into destroy me, I chose to let them teach me. I split myself in two. My extroverted side was empathic, compassionate, helpful, entertaining, spontaneous, giving, kind, mothering, agreeable, all the things everyone wanted in a "good girl" - (while hiding the pain festering inside so I wouldn't disturb anyone.) My introverted side was a hyper-vigilant calculating genius. Without effort my subconscious mind was running so many processes of observation, memorization, security, defences, and learning that my mind never slept. The pain of my life became the fuel that I used to burn bright.

I rode the edge of pleasure and pain, of darkness and light. I burned like a supernova until I reached the point where I felt empty. Unseen. Marginalized. Used. Dissatisfied entirely. I felt - human - And that pissed me off. What I was giving wasn't being returned. I realized that I needed a drastic change else I was going to go totally off the rails. I went back to the shrink, the therapist, did EMDR, took the meds, and finally - I imploded. 

There are too many things I cannot explain here. Too many events took place that are unimaginable, unexplainable. No, they can be explained, but few would believe me. The events that caused me to become still would be illogical to some, but I had to die, rest, rebirth myself and cleanse. I was going through this ancient process, yet it was new to me in this life. This process isn't talked about so openly in this world because it is seen as sorcery, magick, evil, or abstractly written about in religious texts so it can be a secret process only known to the enlightened. I cleansed myself through rituals and went nearly catatonic for a few years. Rebirth is a complex and time consuming process when the soul has taken in so much toxicity and couldn't fully process through the emotional baggage. 

My mental health symptoms/reactions were to the point that I couldn't interact with people. I had panic attacks, anxiety, tonic immobility, fainting, rage, depression, longing, withdraw... I adjusted to the awkward silence in my chest, I cried, ached, mourned my old self, and slept for days at a time. I was reactive to human interaction yet had to rely upon my roommate to physically carry me to the toilet, the tub, and doctors. I became agoraphobic, began living a hermits life, and ended 99% of my friendships. I allowed myself to shed my old life like a snake sheds its skin. 

I had to be free, at all costs, no matter how much it hurt. I chose to live homeless for over a year, then I lived on a broken down bus hidden on a mountain with no plumbing, no insulation, with a single extension cord for electricity. I had to fully embrace a detached existence, a sacred existence, reaffirming my divine rebellion. Own my "crazy". Allowing my "self" to be ripped apart and reassembled. I had no fucks left to give. 

You can bet your sweet ass that for all of the fun I had living a rebels life, in my 50 years, I took some seriously big hits. I don't know how many times I died. I don't know how many times someone ripped my heart out. I can't count how many times I woke up drunk on the bathroom floor. I spent years high. I could outdrink most men I knew. I could outfuck anyone. I stopped counting lovers somewhere around 100. I used drugs with methodical precision notating the effects on my body until the science of it got repetitive and the high of it got too boring to continue. I studied the writings of deviants, masters, teachers, gurus, novices, and everything I could get my hands on to become the best lover, wife, mother, being, I could be. I went up and came crashing down over and over until my body said - no more. It is done. 

You cannot outrun your past, but you can learn from your experiences and have a beautiful, wealthy, successful, balanced NOW. 

After a long period of rest and recovery it is time to share a few secrets. My mind has had time to refine the knowledge I have learned and in this quiet, this retreat into the wilderness, I have emerged anew. Guru. Oracle. Prophet. Primordial Child. High Priestess. Triple Goddess. Butterfly. Magician. Sorceress. Witch. Hera. All. Nothing. Hermit. Destroyer. Little Death. Goddess. Alchemist. Bodhisattva. Buddhaha. Perfect. Imperfect. Christ. AntiChrist. Bad Ass Bitch. Fascinating titles for an all faceted jewel. I am everything. I am nothing.

I have found my inner peace. I have done the fucking work. I have integrated my shadow. I have found a way to fully be myself while keeping a safe distance from those who trigger my other side. I am a Divine & Holy Monster. Angelic & Glorious.

I am a total fuck up & fuck down.

I have mental health issues & I suffer from accute sanity.

I am perfect & imperfect. 

I am True in a false world.

 I am seen as false to those who AM-body distortions of reality. 

I am ready to share my knowledge - let's talk some shit. 

HAHA! 

Ahem, let's talk truth. 

True Love,

Always,

Toni Lynn Crisp aka "Vertonia" 

ॐ मणि पद्मे हूँ

Om Mani Padme Hum
Praise TO the jewel IN the lotus

꧁∞꧂